Trigger Stuff

Trigger warning for those sensitive to material about eating disorders.

I have been in remission from bulimia for some time now. Lately it’s been coming up for me. I am moving across the country in a month and am working a stressful case in order to have enough savings to get my through my last few years of my bachelor’s degree. Tonight someone made a joke in front of me about being triggered and I snapped back that triggers are a real problem for those of us that actually battle with eating disorders. It was an ugly way to handle the situation and I later apologized and explained I am struggling. It was a reflection of my own inner nastiness. None of it felt good.

The frustrating thing about an eating disorder is, as much as you’d like to think yourself well versed in your own triggers and healing, the truth is it can be a slippery slope in recovery if you aren’t diligent about self-care. I’m working too much, not eating healthy, and exercising almost nil. Any of those things alone are manageable for me, but not all at once. And I’m frustrated because I don’t feel like going to the gym because I’ve been pulling long days and I’m tired. Plus I am afraid to put on exercise clothes. None of my jeans fit right now. Pulling on a pair of leggings that are too small makes me feel fat as fuck. I already feel bad enough. I can almost see the comparisons my brain will make about how not-in-shape enough I am compared to my past self and all the other people around me.

But I know the answer to my problem: I HAVE TO WORK OUT. So I’m going to go to the gym tonight and get my heart rate up and then spend ample time in the sauna. That’s all good self-care. I want to share that years in remission is not a free and clear field. This is a long-term battle for some people. It’s okay to not have it together. Just keep trying.

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